I like informative but fun non-fiction reads. I love to learn about things but I don’t want the textbook droning feel. That’s why after hearing a radio interview of Caitlin Doughty I picked up her book. She and I hold some shared views on death, more on that below. Also I learned something about the funeral industry as well as about cremation in the interview. I found the book a page turner that I consumed voraciously. I highly recommend it but then again I’m one who still recommends Behind The Formaldehyde Curtain By Jessica Mitford decades after I read it my freshman year in college. If you find frank discussion of what happens to bodies after death disturbing, heck, if you find frank talk about death itself in relations to you and other humans disturbing this book is not for you (nor is that link to the Formaldehyde Curtain above). BUT if like me you are curious even a little bit about death, how we do it and how others deal with it the book is for you and so are my comments below. (more…)
What if you died and no one noticed for three years? That’s what happened to Joyce Carol Vincent. I have to admit when I first read the basis for the documentary Dreams of a Life I thought the subject would be a drug addict. Maybe someone morbidly obese with no relatives and withdrawn from society so no one noticed with the calls for pizza delivery stopped. I didn’t image it would be a young vibrant woman who had, had lovers and was admired by many. I didn’t image it was someone with sisters and her father still living. I didn’t image… so I watched. How does someone 28 years old wind up dead for three years and no one notice?
I’m sorry to say there aren’t any pat answers. No answers as to how she died, was it natural? was it murder? No answers as to why no one came in three years to collect bills or rent. The answer comes in our society where we have any acquaintances but few true connections. People are transient we move on and assume so do they. But in the case of Joyce – she wasn’t moving.
I found that in many ways I understood Joyce. I move a lot and here in Kenosha I have acquaintances but no real friends. Same could be said of Oak Ridge and Kalamazoo. I think after a few military moves I learned not to connect to people easily, it’s hard to keep up long distance friendships so best to be choosy – very choosy. Which leaves me with few regular contacts here where I live and it has been that way for years.
But unlike poor Joyce, I do have those I keep in touch with – my best friend and I haven’t lived in the same county since I was in 8th grade – rarely have we lived in the same state. My husband and I talk daily when at all possible even if he’s traveling. So there are connections, there are those who would notice. Yet, would work check? I think so but it might be a bit before they did. Would my on-line friends check? No, people cyber-fade it’s a fact of on-line life. We just figure real life took them in another direction.
By the same token, if I didn’t see a neighbor for sometime would I check on them? The lady that walks the big rottweiler would I learn her name, check to see why they haven’t been by in some time? No. It’s not maliciousness or total lack of caring – it’s just we don’t know each other. I look back in old pictures and how intertwined my parents life growing up was with the neighbors. Now, I’d be hard pressed to tell you my two side neighbors names much less front and back neighbor or at angles. People keep to themselves, watch tv, play on computers, chat with cyber-acquaintances half a world away.
There are good and bad things to modern society but the saddest things are when good souls slip away through the cracks… good ones like Joyce. We are left wondering what if… I ponder what if we were disturbed by her story enough to make a change and connect with more people?
Manhattan Skyline from the Staten Island Ferry 05/1973 from the US National Archives via Flickr’s The Commons no copyright restrictions.
~The following was inspired by watching the 2006 documentary The Falling Man. A link to it is below, it deals directly with the victims of 9/11 those who fell and/or jumped from the towers. If such things are too disturbing for you I recommend you don’t read further and you don’t watch the documentary. ~
A short post today as I have 10 hours on the road facing me for the round trip to Sandy’s memorial. It seem appropriate that mourn with her family in another transition season especially Fall. I take a moment to say if you have never read the book The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia you should. Go to your local library and look it up in the children’s section. Yes it’s a child’s book but when come to facing death, aren’t we all children afraid of the unknown? It’s a wonderful tale using Fall leaves to explain how death and life are part of the same experience. I beg you, do check it out it will help when you are in need of gentle reassurance that death and life are both ok.
With the weekend upon us it’ll be Monday when I’ll be back with oh so much more to share. Take care, tell those you love that you love ’em and go out enjoying the weekend.
Me, Sandy, and Kathy at a winery on the river. It was pouring rain that day and we were soaked to the skin. So why am I the only one that looks like a drowned rat? You too came out FAB!
Dear Sandy,
Tomorrow I’ll drive down to your hometown to hug your family. We’ll cry at our loss of having you near. I can’t say I’ll be telling you good-bye then. I did that two weeks ago on the phone. My gut said this was it, my heart didn’t want to hear it. Still I can’t help but smile through the tears so glad I got to tell you one more time, how much I love you my dear friend.
No you don’t look silly Kathy, you are just telling it like it is. Sandy is taking you seriously too.
When I remember you it’s through smiles. I remember working together and how you were great to show me the ropes at a new company. Then started our monthly Girls Night Out (GNO as they call them now) at the Mexican restaurant with Kathy. We made a trio. We took a whole table for the night but always tipped accordingly while we dished over margaritas, chips and salsa, and dinner. I always got the extra hot green salsa, remember?Fun times!
Honestly it helped me cope with working full-time, having a toddler that moved on to middle school by the time our monthly meetings chapter came to a close. Different jobs, different companies, different people came and went for the three of us during those days but we held on to our regular meetings. Maybe it was augmented by the tequila but I know it was the friendship that kept it going.
Mary Louise Eklund 